Generosity...

Have you ever asked yourself "what does it mean to be generous"? Well, Dictionary.com defines generosity as "freedom from meanness or smallness of mind or character". Hmmm.... pretty deep, hey?

So, instead of worrying about the definitions, I asked myself "where does generosity spring from?" Does it come from an attitude of "I have lots so I am willing to give as long as there's enough left for me"? Or, does it come from a place of complete trust in the provider of all we have? A place where we may not have an abundance of _________ (money, time, patience - you know what goes in the blank for you), BUT a place where we give out of an abundance of faith and trust?

A good friend challenged me a couple of weeks ago to think bigger than an immediate request for help I'd received. She challenged me to really look (I mean really look) at us as a larger body of Christ who share and help and support each other; to truly making it less about mine and more about "ours".

Maybe to you it seems a little "Pollyanna" to think that people in the Church (not a church building but THE Church as in the body of believers) really could be doing life together, really, truly there to support and help each other but just imagine what it could be like... to give and receive from a place of wealth and abundance and love... even when our bank account doesn't look plentiful... even when we really want to have a nap but someone needs our help or just a shoulder to cry on...

Dream with me for a minute... What if we truly, truly and completely believed Proverbs 11:25 "A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed"?

Lead me...

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I can have a bit of a stubborn streak. I can be a bit opinionated on certain topics with certain people - mostly, my family but especially with my husband. Over most of the 16 years of our marriage, we certainly did not fulfill "traditional" roles with our family. Due to circumstances and choices (both good & bad), I was often the one bringing home the bacon and Sherwin was the one frying it up. We told ourselves that we were good with that; it didn't really matter. However, somewhere in my deepest heart, I harboured resentment and bitterness over the situation. Most of the time, it was buried so deeply I would have argued with anyone who tried to call me on it. Yet, the fruit of that bitterness was discontent, snippy attitude with Sherwin, envy of others, lack of focus on my family and home... I could go on and on but the most vile fruit was that I emasculated my husband little by little; I stood in the way of him being the leader in our home, in the most important way - spiritually.

Don't get me wrong... I am not saying that it is "bad" for a wife to earn more money or to have a more flourishing career than her husband, it wasn't a matter of who made more money - this was a heart matter for me (possibly for him, too, but definitely for me). I think it is very possible for a wife to have a strong career and her husband to even be a stay at home dad BUT you have to be so much more intentional about honouring the way God created us - for the husband to be the spiritual head of the home. Men need to be admired, they need to be needed, and, most important, they need to know they are respected. I digress... so, for me, it was a heart matter. In my heart of hearts, I wanted to be home to raise my family, to care for my husband, to be the wife and mom that my mom was for us - I didn't intend on having a career. Through the years, I told myself that I wouldn't have been good at home anyway, that Sherwin was a way better mom than me so we were okay: our marriage was ok, our home was ok, our kids would be ok.

I have to ask myself, "why was ok enough?" God wants us to have life to the full! I want that for my life, my marriage, my family. My continued denial of my true heart in this matter eroded all of it. However, over the past months with lots of prayer, support, and seeking God's face; I have openly repented for the resentment I felt towards Sherwin in this regard. I'd never allowed him to truly be the leader in our family and that left us all feeling like we were walking on shifting sand.

The past few months have been a time of steep growth around our house as we begin to live out the roles God gave us within the constraints of the personalities He gave us (not to mention the different Love Languages). What I can tell you is that it takes work, it takes intentionality not to fall into old patterns, and it takes understanding. We came to realize that Sherwin, like many men his age, did not really even understand his role. He came to realize that my hurts at the hands of men had seriously constricted my ability to trust him fully. Praise God that HE is a God of healing, the Wonderful Counsellor, the God of miracles... with His help, we are moving forward, we are growing and soon, I believe we will be truly flourishing. No more will the fruits be vile and bitter but sweet, savoury, and bountiful...

Now my heart's cry is LEAD Me.... I want to be the wife, mother, and woman God created me to be.

The Twenty-third Psalm

Today, in my devotional time, I read Psalm 23 in the New Living Translation. I've never read it in that translation before and it really spoke to where I am in my life right now. As I read through the Psalms, I see King David praising and worship but also complaining and questioning. Through it all, he clings to a Faith in God that is strong enough to see him through the worst life can throw at him and keep him humble during times of glory.

Psalm 23:

1 The LORD is my shepherd;

I have all that I need.

2 He lets me rest in green meadows;

he leads me beside peaceful streams.

3 He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

bringing honor to his name.

4 Even when I walk

through the darkest valley,*

I will not be afraid,

for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

protect and comfort me.

5 You prepare a feast for me

in the presence of my enemies.

You honor me by anointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings.

6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me

all the days of my life,

and I will live in the house of the LORD

forever

And then came real life again...

My trip to Africa profoundly impacted me in many ways; some are so personal, I can't even begin to write about them but others I'm excited to share. I walked away from the experience knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will go back to Africa, I feel a deep connection with the people and what God is doing there. I also realized that my life had once again become completely out-of-control crazy; this feeling was compounded by the fact that I was back on the road for work a mere 39 hour after arriving back in Edmonton. The worst part, I had the opportunity to not work those first days but I was so worried about making up for the income we didn't have while I was away that I was stubborn.

Suffice to say, the first days after I came back caused major strife in my home. You'd think that after being away for so long, everyone would be "blissfully happy and harmonious". Well, it wasn't like that at all. I needed time to digest the experience but I also had the demands of 3 kids, 1 husband, and a job pulling at me. If you know me at all or have read my earliest blogs, which do you think won the fight??? My job. I guess, that part of me that feels that my family will understand and I had work commitments to up hold took over again. Within a few days, the pressure cooker exploded. I won't go into gory details but my life felt like it was falling apart around me. I cried so much over the span of a couple of days, I felt like I wouldn't be able to move. How I got through 4 straight days of workshops, I still have no idea.

But, out of my anguish, God showed me the image of a beautiful garden that had been left unattended for too long. There were weeds and thistles of hurt, neglect, and distrust. It hurt when I realized this was where I was heading with my family. But God is good, and He also showed me that He wanted me to tend the garden of my blessings with my whole being for a season to nurture it back to health and beauty. He showed me that once it was healthy, the tending becomes simpler as long as it has consistent attention and care. He showed also impressed upon me that my family is like a precious gift that He has given me that I have kept in the pretty box and put on my shelf to look at and play with occassionally but that He wants me to enjoy the gift, not just admire it, to love it and treasure it.

Talk about bring me to my knees and making me face the reality of my own self-centeredness - I'd been on such a mission to find my purpose that I'd ended up neglecting a big part of my purpose - my family. Can you say "HUMBLING"? I did take this very seriously, though, and stepped back from work immediately. I continued with the commitments I'd made but everything else was back burner to my family and home. While none of this made sense to the human brain from a financial perspective (and trust me, it's been tough), I knew it was the right thing to do.

While I won't profess to be "Susie homemaker", I definitely have made huge strides to creating the home for my family that was always in my heart. I'm pleased to say that the garden is starting to bloom again.

Where does the time go???? (sorry it's so long!)

Well, I made it back from Africa safely :-) I can't believe I've been so delinquent as to take almost 6 months to update my blog with my experience in Zambia. It is true what they (who ever "they" is): the road to nowhere is paved with good intentions! I've truly "intended" to finish my Zambia story many times and yet, here I sit over two months later. So, enough ruminating!!!

I left off my story in Zambia looking forward to hearing Debbie preach and going to the market. Debbie preached about "renovating our minds"; I found it profound. Isn't that what we really need to do if we are to break old thought patterns? Isn't that what we really need to do when we want to truly affect change in our lives? Zambia was a great opportunity for me to work at renovating my own mind; a journey that has continued the past two months (but that's another story...)

The market was filled - I mean FILLED - with people selling their handiwork and the works of others. They really did make my experience in the markets in Mexico and Trinidad seem mild and passive. We only had 2 market experiences in Zambia (Lusaka & Kitwe) but I think I came home with 12 Chitenge clothes. To fully appreciate how much fabric this really is, you need to know that Chitenge is typically sold in 2 metre sections! It is the waxed cotton in beautiful prints that women use as a wrap, a skirt, a baby carrier, and much more without sewing anything OR they sew beautiful garments from it. I became a pretty skilled barterer if I do say so myself! The best purchase at the market in Kitwe was large double Giraffe statue that Betty bought and I affectionately named: Barney & BamBam :-) We toted these guys with us for the rest of the trip and all the way home!

The rest of the trip was filled with amazing experiences which, had I been able to update when I was there or taken the time to update when I first got back, I would write about it far more detail (not that I've forgotten anything, it is forever imprinted in my mind and documented in my journals). If anyone wants to hear any of the stories in more detail, feel free to contact me - I love talking about the experience.

So, we did continue to work with other groups and do workshops. We worked with a group of 30 community school teachers from 19 schools. This was a special group since I've worked with many teacher groups here in Alberta. The unique thing with this group of teachers was they teach the poorest children and they do it on a volunteer basis. Yup! You read that right - volunteer teachers!!! Many of them work other jobs just to support their own families but they are all so passionate about educating the children of Lusaka. We had so much fun with this group! Especially at the end when we were able to give a soccer ball to each school represented; they were so excited to receive something as simple as a soccer ball from a soccer team and school group in Sherwood Park. This was our last workshop in Lusaka, we then travelled to Kitwe.

In Kitwe, we spent time with John & Ruth Kerr who are missionaries working at the TransAfrican Theological College (TTC). We sorted clothes from a container they received from Canada so that some could go to the Prison Ministry run by a young pastor named Charles, some was to take to a very poor, rural church, and some was for a group of young pastors based out of a church in Kabwe. Meeting Charles was a true privilege. He has a started a Prison Ministry and God is blessing him through that ministry but listening to his jaw-dropping story made me wish I'd had a video camera with me or at least a voice recorder. Here is a link to John Kerr's blog with a detailed account of Charles story from 2007 (trust me, it's worth a read!): http://zambiakerrs.typepad.com/kerrentevents/2007/10/index.html

With the Kerr's, we visited a community school and learned about the feeding program and we travelled to a rural church way out in the bush where we delivered clothing to very poor men, women, and children. When we arrived, the people were gathered singing praises to God in there tiny little thatched, hut church - it was truly awe-inspiring and I was overcome by emotion as they escorted us to the seats of honour at the front of the church. As we distributed clothing, we heard some of the stories. Many had walked many miles to be there and several had no shoes or shoes that were barely staying together. As heart-wrenching as it may sound, these people were so joyful and grateful for what they had and what we brought - recognizing that it all comes from God.

On the weekend, we went to Kabwe where we ran a women's retreat at Mukobeko Assembly for the weekend for women in leadership at churches in the rural areas surrounding Kabwe. The 33 women in attendence all slept on the church floor for the weekend just so they could be there! Some women had walked many, many hours to be there and others rode in the backs of trucks for several hours. The weekend was filled with singing, visiting, workshops, sermons, and devotions as well as some practical lessons in rug making and a little pampering for the ladies. The ladies of Mukobeko Assembly and the other churches will remain and inspiration to me every time I look back on the experience.

When we got back to Lusaka for our final service, we met up with many of our friends from Fountain of Praise church who founded the Esther Project to deliver food in the compounds. While delivering food, we heard the stories of many widows who are caring for their children or grandchildren alone. The stories broke my heart and warmed it all at the same time. I didn't hear a lot of "poor me" but I heard a lot of "I will always praise my God who sustains me". While all of the people we visited had an impact, the one who really touched me was 84 year old Monica. It is rare for people to live to an old age in the compounds of Zambia but Monica was 84. She greeted us all with a big hug and welcomed us into her small home where there was barely room for the 12 of us. She didn’t speak English and understood only a couple of words so Mary translated for us. Monica’s children had all died; all 7 of them. She only has one grandchild who is living. BUT, inspite of it all, Monica was praising God. She prostrated herself by laying on the dirt and concrete floor in front of us in a traditional Zambian gesture of gratitude to us for coming. As she spoke of God’s goodness in spite of her tough life, she had tears in her eyes. I couldn’t help but cry, too. But, she said that even when everything has been taken away, she can still praise her God just like Job. While Rosalia was praying for Monica, I took her hand; she grasped mine with both of hers and held on tightly. I just wept. It reminded me that we can be joyful inspite of our circumstances - not because of but INSPITE of!

Phew! The emotions of those visits still cause my eyes and heart to well up!

So, in the end, we did get a brief "holiday" in Africa! We drove 3 hours to Mukambi Safari Lodge in Kafue National Park. It was SPECTACULAR!!! Loved it, like something in the movies! I went on 2 driving safaris (one evening and one at 5:45am) and on water safari. For the morning one, it was just Betty, myself, and our 2 guides for 3 hours. On our outings, we saw beautiful birds, Impala, Puku (Greater & Lesser), majestic Elephants, wild boar, mongoose, jakal, Water Buffalo, Velvet monkeys, cheetahs, a lioness, zebras, hippos, and a croc. Spectacular!!! All of this in a 24 hours span then the 3 hour drive back to Lusaka! Let me tell you, that was one quiet 3 hour ride with all of us completely exhausted!

The next morning, it was on to the plane for our 2 day trek back home!

Leadership & Team in Africa

I can't believe it's been two days! Sometimes, it seems longer; sometimes shorter - time is funny that way. Yesterday, we did some errands, bought some groceries; you know "normal" stuff but yesterday was our first workshop day. Let me tell you, I was nervous about the workshop - I mean, I don't speak or understand Zambian and we were told there would not likely be an interpreter, YIKES!!! I spent time the day we arrived reviewing what I wanted to share, knowing that they wanted me to speak about leadership and team. Sounds simple, right? I was worried though as I was only using a very small amount of the material we use in courses at home since I couldn't take gear with me.

The first day of workshops was for a group of women who are leaders in an organization called Hearts of Compassion. This organization was formed to help widows and orphans - mostly widowed due to HIV; most of the women in the group were widows themselves and ranged in age from about 25 to 60+. When we arrived at the location for the workhop, about half of the women were there (Africa time means we start when people arrive for example a 9ish start could be 9, it could be 10, it could be later). Since we needed to wait for the other group, the women burst into song - literally, the sound burst from the room. They were praising and worshiping and dancing. The beautiful harmonies were so powerful! I felt such powerful emotion listening to the women sing; I could barely hold back the tears. When the other women arrived, we began the day. It didn't take long to realize that most of the women spoke very little English; thankfully, a lovely lady named Helen stepped forward as a translator and the day began. While I know there were things that I forgot to say that I'd planned to say and I did a lot of improvising so that the women could understand the concepts; God was definitely there and the result was overwhelming. In addition to the teachings I did, Debbie & Betty taught the women to make rag rugs. The only man in the room was one of the acting leaders and he said the timing of the workshop was perfect and the content exactly in line with what the team needed. I feel so blessed to be here! For lunch, they served us nshima - a stiff dough made from ground maize called mealie meal. It is the consistency of playdough and tastes like a mix of mashed potatoes and cream of wheat. You knead in the palm of one hand, flatten it in that same hand and use it to pick up other food called relish. Relish could be a vegatable mix or chicken for example. This was my first experience with traditional Zambian food.

Today, we worked with a group of Church leaders at the Fountain of Praise Assembly; the group was worship leaders, pastors, deacons, deaconess', youth leaders, praise members, etc. The church building itself was so simple - concrete and aluminum - a clear reminder that the building is irrelevant to God. We were set to start at 9am but we were told to come at 10am due to African time :-) Then, we didn't even start until close to 11! Good thing that doesn't bother me too much :-) Again, the group lifted their voices in the most beautiful harmonies - I wish I could bottle the sound and bring it home with me!!! The men and women were so wonderful and the level of English was astounding: no translator required! During lunch (which was 'take-away' chicken & chips from the Hungry Lion), Betty and I sat with the younger people who were there. Some were finishing high school, some in college and some already working; all were highly intelligent and communicated very well in English. One young woman, Mercy, is planning to become a neurosurgeon or cardiologist, part of that plan is to go to medical school in Canada in the fall. All of them are on Facebook even though they don't have computers at home. We had so much fun with the group and I have learned that Zambians seem to have an excellent sense of humour.

I can't even begin to explain all that is going on in my head and my heart. God has been good to me and directed to to create teaching sessions for the workshops that have been well received here; He's also granted me the grace to let the agenda be fluid and 'wing it' along the way.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I can't wait to go to Fountain of Praise for church!!! Debbie is preaching and I don't do anything but enjoy!!! Tomorrow is also exciting because we are going to the market; it will be a nice relaxing day. On Monday, I'm teaching all day again, Tuesday we travel to Kitwe where we meet up with Ruth & John Kerr who are missionaries teaching at a college. Tuesday is a travel & market day. Wednesday, we help Ruth sort a bunch of donations and have lunch at the college. Thursday, we go out and deliver clothing to needy families in the morning, I do an afternoon workshop do the student wives and other women on campus; Betty & Debbie will then teach them to make rugs. Friday, we teach a group of women to sew quilts then head back to Lusaka.

I don't think I'll have internet from Tuesday to Thursday night because of travel.

God Bless!

Zambia via London via Toronto

It seems like so long ago since I left Edmonton but, in truth, it's not even been 48 hours. Before we even left Edmonton, we experience divine intervention on our trip. Debbie (our team leader) was called to the gate over the intercom; none of us knew why but we were all secretly hoping that we were being upgraded :-) When Debbie got there, they had her passport & boarding pass at the counter. It was strange because Debbie was sure it was in her bag. Apparantly, a young couple had found it in the garbage can when they were throwing out a coffee cup. Debbie still has no idea how it got there since all she threw away was a banana peel. But, it made for an exciting start!

We arrived safely in Lusaka, Zambia at 6:15am (Zambia time) which was 9:15pm back home. Our first stop was Toronto where we had about 3 hours to kill then hopped the plane to London. When we arrived in London, we purchased tickets for the "tube" and headed to downtown London. I must say, we made our way through the London Underground like experts! In our few short hours in London, we went to Picadilly Circus, had Fish & Chips at Three Crowns, went for a "flight" on the London Eye, and spent some time at Buckingham Palace. Then... back to the airport to hop our 9+hour flight to Lusaka.

We arrived in Africa and got to Cheryl Ann's home only to realize that we'd left a suitcase at the airport. Fortunately, when Debbie & Cheryl Ann went back, it was there waiting. Now, we've all had showers and are ready to take on the day in Lusaka. It will be a low key day since we all want to be rested for our first all day workshop tomorrow. I will be leading a full day of workshops for about 30 women who work with widows and orphans. I don't often get nervous but I'm definitely nervous. BUT... I know that God has brought me here and He will not abandon me now. I feel Him leading me so I will trust in that.

On an interesting note, the missionary we are staying with is from close to home for me; she is from New Norway where my aunt and uncle live. Even more interesting is the fact that she is cousin to my friend's dad! Small world!

I hope all is well for everyone back home; my thoughts and prayers are with you always.

Anxious? Excited? Scared?

I'm only a few hours away from boarding the plane that will take me away from my family for almost 3 weeks. I don't even know how I feel right now. I truly believe that God has lead me in this direction and I know that walking where He leads is not guaranteed to be easy but... It was so hard to send my family off today; Blyss tried so hard not to cry but just couldn't prevent the tears. Elisa was her usual composed self and Aphia cracks jokes to not think about it. Sherwin is so supportive and actually even admitted he'd miss me :-) (some of you know the story behind that comment!)

Truthfully, in the midst of all the emotions I feel, the strongest sensation is a deep & abiding peace that - no matter what - everything will be alright. I am hoping to have internet connection while in Zambia so that I can update my blog during my trip.

Pray for our missions team while we are away that we will be sensitive to God's promptings on us while travel, that we will be free from conflict within, and that our families will be safe and well during our absence.

God Bless!

Africa here I come!!!

All my life, I've wanted to see Africa. I remember hearing stories of missionaries and thinking that someday, I'd like to try that. Well, someday is February 23, 2010! I'm going to Zambia with a small team from the Pentecostal Assemblies of Canada (PAOC). I'm feeling both excited and nervous. I have never been away from my family for more than a few days; this will be almost 3 weeks. I know that God has ordained this trip so I will put my trust in Him!

Overall, life is good. I have been working hard the past few months with a friend designing a new program for work all about continuous improvement. It's amazing how much can be applied to life in general; we all want to improve ourselves and our lives, right? Sometimes, the biggest hurdle to improvement is our own lack of ability to see more than one way of doing things, to see around real or perceived road-blocks. My prayer is that I will be open to opportunity, open to see the good around me, and open to God's will in my life.

Friends, please keep my family in your prayers over the next few weeks while I am away both for work and for missions. God bless!

HAPPY 2010!

I've been terribly negligent at updating my blog the past couple of months but there has been so much going on. I travelled a lot for work through October, November & December; no place exotic, just Vancouver and Calgary but it still kept me busy.

I feel so incredibly blessed and overwhelmed by what is coming for the first part of 2010. Again, I'll be working a lot and gone a lot so I'm asking for your prayers for my family as we trudge through a hectic time of year for us. Perhaps one of the most exciting things coming up for me is a Women's mission trip to Zambia in late February! Sherwin & I prayed about this a great deal and feel very strongly that it is something I am supposed to do. Missions is something I have always wanted to experience but the opportunities never seemed right; this one feels right. I'm so excited to be travelling with a great group of women and having the opportunity to help women and children in Zambia. Stay posted for more information as it unfolds...

This Christmas was the first one in 3 years that I haven't been recovering from treatments or surgery so it was a welcome change. My family and I feel so blessed. However, I've learned that some friends of mine are not in the same situation. My friend's husband has been battling Brain Cancer for many years, mostly, it seemed to be at bay but the past year & a half have been difficult for them. Things looked good a couple of months ago but have gotten worse the past few weeks. They are a young couple with a 4 year old son; please keep them in your prayers. Another friend & mentor who was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in Nov. 08 and chose alternative therapies beyond a successful Lumpectomy. In correspondence early this fall, she was doing well and feeling strong; however, the cancer is back and seems to be quite aggressive. She is now tackling an intensive chemo protocol. Please keep her in your prayers also.

While these situations bring my own cancer to the forefront of my thoughts, I know who holds my days and I will not let the fear of a recurrence rule my life. I will continue to thank God for each day and for the wonderful family & friends I have around me.

God Bless you in 2010!