It has been over 1 year since I posted last; not quite what I'd planned when I started the blog with gusto & enthusiasm! One thing I know, this blog is looking old and tired just like me lately; needs some updating for sure!!! Pretty sure no one visits my blog so I'm probably just talking to myself right now (especially considering it's been stale for so long anyone who was interested has probably lost interest!!!) I've actually started many entries but, sadly, life called me away leaving blog entries unfinished. When I would finally return to them, I'd either forgotten my point, they were irrelevant or I convinced myself they were just not any good.
Interestingly, I realize that my blog is a metaphor for so many other ventures in my life. I feel drawn but then my insecurities and fears have blocked my desire, calling, and drive. There's the fear that I don't write well enough now, there's the fear that I'll offend someone, there's the fear that I'll be judged if I reveal my flaws, there's the fear that I'll be judged if I'm too shallow... you get the picture. The fear of what people might think... or worse yet, the fear that no one will care to read my blog. So, it is easier for me to let my busy life be a justifiable excuse to put off for another day (like Scarlett O'Hara " I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow. ") I know that God has placed certain dreams on my heart so why have I let life, fear, insecurity, etc. stop me? God has a plan and a purpose for my life - I don't have to figure it all out, I don't have to care what other people will think, I just have to lean into Him and let Him guide my steps. That's my plan for 2012 - that I would let God direct my steps and unfold His plan in my life.
What's your plan for 2012? God has a plan and a purpose for you, too. Will you let Him guide you?
Have you ever asked yourself "what does it mean to be generous"? Well, Dictionary.com defines generosity as "freedomfrommeannessorsmallnessofmindorcharacter". Hmmm.... pretty deep, hey?
So, instead of worrying about the definitions, I asked myself "where does generosity spring from?" Does it come from an attitude of "I have lots so I am willing to give as long as there's enough left for me"? Or, does it come from a place of complete trust in the provider of all we have? A place where we may not have an abundance of _________ (money, time, patience - you know what goes in the blank for you), BUT a place where we give out of an abundance of faith and trust?
A good friend challenged me a couple of weeks ago to think bigger than an immediate request for help I'd received. She challenged me to really look (I mean really look) at us as a larger body of Christ who share and help and support each other; to truly making it less about mine and more about "ours".
Maybe to you it seems a little "Pollyanna" to think that people in the Church (not a church building but THE Church as in the body of believers) really could be doing life together, really, truly there to support and help each other but just imagine what it could be like... to give and receive from a place of wealth and abundance and love... even when our bank account doesn't look plentiful... even when we really want to have a nap but someone needs our help or just a shoulder to cry on...
Dream with me for a minute... What if we truly, truly and completely believed Proverbs 11:25 "A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed"?
Anyone who knows me well, knows that I can have a bit of a stubborn streak. I can be a bit opinionated on certain topics with certain people - mostly, my family but especially with my husband. Over most of the 16 years of our marriage, we certainly did not fulfill "traditional" roles with our family. Due to circumstances and choices (both good & bad), I was often the one bringing home the bacon and Sherwin was the one frying it up. We told ourselves that we were good with that; it didn't really matter. However, somewhere in my deepest heart, I harboured resentment and bitterness over the situation. Most of the time, it was buried so deeply I would have argued with anyone who tried to call me on it. Yet, the fruit of that bitterness was discontent, snippy attitude with Sherwin, envy of others, lack of focus on my family and home... I could go on and on but the most vile fruit was that I emasculated my husband little by little; I stood in the way of him being the leader in our home, in the most important way - spiritually.
Don't get me wrong... I am not saying that it is "bad" for a wife to earn more money or to have a more flourishing career than her husband, it wasn't a matter of who made more money - this was a heart matter for me (possibly for him, too, but definitely for me). I think it is very possible for a wife to have a strong career and her husband to even be a stay at home dad BUT you have to be so much more intentional about honouring the way God created us - for the husband to be the spiritual head of the home. Men need to be admired, they need to be needed, and, most important, they need to know they are respected. I digress... so, for me, it was a heart matter. In my heart of hearts, I wanted to be home to raise my family, to care for my husband, to be the wife and mom that my mom was for us - I didn't intend on having a career. Through the years, I told myself that I wouldn't have been good at home anyway, that Sherwin was a way better mom than me so we were okay: our marriage was ok, our home was ok, our kids would be ok.
I have to ask myself, "why was ok enough?" God wants us to have life to the full! I want that for my life, my marriage, my family. My continued denial of my true heart in this matter eroded all of it. However, over the past months with lots of prayer, support, and seeking God's face; I have openly repented for the resentment I felt towards Sherwin in this regard. I'd never allowed him to truly be the leader in our family and that left us all feeling like we were walking on shifting sand.
The past few months have been a time of steep growth around our house as we begin to live out the roles God gave us within the constraints of the personalities He gave us (not to mention the different Love Languages). What I can tell you is that it takes work, it takes intentionality not to fall into old patterns, and it takes understanding. We came to realize that Sherwin, like many men his age, did not really even understand his role. He came to realize that my hurts at the hands of men had seriously constricted my ability to trust him fully. Praise God that HE is a God of healing, the Wonderful Counsellor, the God of miracles... with His help, we are moving forward, we are growing and soon, I believe we will be truly flourishing. No more will the fruits be vile and bitter but sweet, savoury, and bountiful...
Now my heart's cry is LEAD Me.... I want to be the wife, mother, and woman God created me to be.
Today, in my devotional time, I read Psalm 23 in the New Living Translation. I've never read it in that translation before and it really spoke to where I am in my life right now. As I read through the Psalms, I see King David praising and worship but also complaining and questioning. Through it all, he clings to a Faith in God that is strong enough to see him through the worst life can throw at him and keep him humble during times of glory.
Psalm 23:
1 The LORD is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,*
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
My trip to Africa profoundly impacted me in many ways; some are so personal, I can't even begin to write about them but others I'm excited to share. I walked away from the experience knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will go back to Africa, I feel a deep connection with the people and what God is doing there. I also realized that my life had once again become completely out-of-control crazy; this feeling was compounded by the fact that I was back on the road for work a mere 39 hour after arriving back in Edmonton. The worst part, I had the opportunity to not work those first days but I was so worried about making up for the income we didn't have while I was away that I was stubborn.
Suffice to say, the first days after I came back caused major strife in my home. You'd think that after being away for so long, everyone would be "blissfully happy and harmonious". Well, it wasn't like that at all. I needed time to digest the experience but I also had the demands of 3 kids, 1 husband, and a job pulling at me. If you know me at all or have read my earliest blogs, which do you think won the fight??? My job. I guess, that part of me that feels that my family will understand and I had work commitments to up hold took over again. Within a few days, the pressure cooker exploded. I won't go into gory details but my life felt like it was falling apart around me. I cried so much over the span of a couple of days, I felt like I wouldn't be able to move. How I got through 4 straight days of workshops, I still have no idea.
But, out of my anguish, God showed me the image of a beautiful garden that had been left unattended for too long. There were weeds and thistles of hurt, neglect, and distrust. It hurt when I realized this was where I was heading with my family. But God is good, and He also showed me that He wanted me to tend the garden of my blessings with my whole being for a season to nurture it back to health and beauty. He showed me that once it was healthy, the tending becomes simpler as long as it has consistent attention and care. He showed also impressed upon me that my family is like a precious gift that He has given me that I have kept in the pretty box and put on my shelf to look at and play with occassionally but that He wants me to enjoy the gift, not just admire it, to love it and treasure it.
Talk about bring me to my knees and making me face the reality of my own self-centeredness - I'd been on such a mission to find my purpose that I'd ended up neglecting a big part of my purpose - my family. Can you say "HUMBLING"? I did take this very seriously, though, and stepped back from work immediately. I continued with the commitments I'd made but everything else was back burner to my family and home. While none of this made sense to the human brain from a financial perspective (and trust me, it's been tough), I knew it was the right thing to do.
While I won't profess to be "Susie homemaker", I definitely have made huge strides to creating the home for my family that was always in my heart. I'm pleased to say that the garden is starting to bloom again.
