Lead me...

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I can have a bit of a stubborn streak. I can be a bit opinionated on certain topics with certain people - mostly, my family but especially with my husband. Over most of the 16 years of our marriage, we certainly did not fulfill "traditional" roles with our family. Due to circumstances and choices (both good & bad), I was often the one bringing home the bacon and Sherwin was the one frying it up. We told ourselves that we were good with that; it didn't really matter. However, somewhere in my deepest heart, I harboured resentment and bitterness over the situation. Most of the time, it was buried so deeply I would have argued with anyone who tried to call me on it. Yet, the fruit of that bitterness was discontent, snippy attitude with Sherwin, envy of others, lack of focus on my family and home... I could go on and on but the most vile fruit was that I emasculated my husband little by little; I stood in the way of him being the leader in our home, in the most important way - spiritually.

Don't get me wrong... I am not saying that it is "bad" for a wife to earn more money or to have a more flourishing career than her husband, it wasn't a matter of who made more money - this was a heart matter for me (possibly for him, too, but definitely for me). I think it is very possible for a wife to have a strong career and her husband to even be a stay at home dad BUT you have to be so much more intentional about honouring the way God created us - for the husband to be the spiritual head of the home. Men need to be admired, they need to be needed, and, most important, they need to know they are respected. I digress... so, for me, it was a heart matter. In my heart of hearts, I wanted to be home to raise my family, to care for my husband, to be the wife and mom that my mom was for us - I didn't intend on having a career. Through the years, I told myself that I wouldn't have been good at home anyway, that Sherwin was a way better mom than me so we were okay: our marriage was ok, our home was ok, our kids would be ok.

I have to ask myself, "why was ok enough?" God wants us to have life to the full! I want that for my life, my marriage, my family. My continued denial of my true heart in this matter eroded all of it. However, over the past months with lots of prayer, support, and seeking God's face; I have openly repented for the resentment I felt towards Sherwin in this regard. I'd never allowed him to truly be the leader in our family and that left us all feeling like we were walking on shifting sand.

The past few months have been a time of steep growth around our house as we begin to live out the roles God gave us within the constraints of the personalities He gave us (not to mention the different Love Languages). What I can tell you is that it takes work, it takes intentionality not to fall into old patterns, and it takes understanding. We came to realize that Sherwin, like many men his age, did not really even understand his role. He came to realize that my hurts at the hands of men had seriously constricted my ability to trust him fully. Praise God that HE is a God of healing, the Wonderful Counsellor, the God of miracles... with His help, we are moving forward, we are growing and soon, I believe we will be truly flourishing. No more will the fruits be vile and bitter but sweet, savoury, and bountiful...

Now my heart's cry is LEAD Me.... I want to be the wife, mother, and woman God created me to be.