"A time to cry..."

"A time for cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance."
(Ecclesiastes 3:4)

(I'll apologize up front for the length of this post)

As I talked about in my previous post, 11 months after our move to the Edmonton area, our world was shaken.

On the Sunday night of the May 2007 long weekend, I was snuggling with Blyss (then 3 years old). She was being silly and decided to "steamroller" over me. I put my hand across my chest as protection and noticed something that felt like a lump. But, it couldn't be, could it??? It had to have been my imagination. My first instinct was panic & tears but I didn't want to scare my daughter. However, when Sherwin walked in, it was another story; I couldn't control the fear that was threatening to envelop me. Sherwin is a very calm, not overly emotional but very gentle person. He just held me and reassured me that everything was fine; don't panic, God would be with us... blah, blah, blah... at least that's what I heard, I new in my head he was 100% right but I just needed my moment of panic. I didn't have a doctor yet (I'd been too busy since moving to think of it) but I called a friend who pulled some strings at her husband's clinic and got me in for the Tuesday.

The doctor reassured me (based on statistics) that it was unlikely to be cancerous then proceeded to examine me. However, as he checked the lump, he said "something doesn't seem quite right, it could be nothing but let's get it checked out."

Friday, May 25/07, I had a mammogram & ultrasound. Heidi and one of my closest friends, Laurel, came to my appointment with me. Any woman who has been through a mammogram knows that to say it's "uncomfortable" is a gentle but add the fact that you're 35 and having it because you have a lump in your breast, and the discomfort is the least of your concerns. The radiologist recommended a biopsy. It was scheduled for a biopsy on June 11/07 - just over 2 weeks from my mammogram. The wait was tough!

Monday, June 18, 2007 at 1:30pm my doctor looked at me and said "there is no easy way to say this but, you have breast cancer. I'm so sorry." I was in shock. I literally felt like I was watching a TV show. I cried for a bit but quickly pulled myself together. By the time I got back to the office, I got a call from the doctor's office - my appointment with the surgeon was the next day. WHAT?!?!? Could this really be happening?

I started making phone calls. So many tears... it was so hard to for everyone who loved me. I spent much of the time comforting others. Then, to tell our girls. Elisa (10) just looked at me and barely responded; Aphia (8) cried and held on to me; Blyss (3) really didn't get it.

Tuesday, June 19, with my parents by my side, the surgeon explained my options: lumpectomy or left-side mastectomy. He believed the tumour was growing rapidly and wanted to schedule surgery for Friday - yes, that's right, Friday of the same week. I decided on a mastectomy.

Wednesday, June 20, the day I had to tell my team that I would be off indefinitely and why. Shock overwhelmed the group. I was pretty much walking away from all my responsibilities at work - I felt so guilty. I remember thinking "at least with maternity leave, I had time to prepare and hand things off in a well planned out fashion."

Thursday, June 21, the plethora of appointments & tests started at 8am; my friend, Sheri, came from Calgary to be with me.

Elisa, who hadn't talked much since we told her about the cancer asked if she could talk to me. She said "so, what exactly is the procedure for tomorrow?" I explained the surgery as simply as possible. Her next question broke my heart; with big tears in her eyes, she asked me "does this run in families?" I told her that hopefully, by the time she has to think of about it, there would be a cure.

As I was putting Blyss to bed, I told her that I wouldn't be able to carry her for a few weeks. She asked me why so I told her that the doctor was going to cut off my breast to take away the yucky cancer. She asked me when I would get a new "booby". At the time, I didn't understand how long everything would take so I said "hopefully, by Christmas time". She looked at me dead serious and said, "well, Santa can bring you a booby but he's bringing me a kitty." I couldn't help but laugh - it felt great to laugh and I realized, I hadn't laughed much that week.

Friday, June 22, surgery day... up until that point, I'd never even had stitches! By the time I came out of surgery, my parents, Heidi, Sherwin, & Susan were all there. I felt pretty good coming out of surgery and we managed to call about 20 people between my sister & I in less than 10 minutes - that's when the nurse caught us using our cell phones and put an end to it :-) I had a number of visitors to the hospital on Friday afternoon & evening. It was great! And, I was feeling pretty good.

Saturday, June 23, I was home with orders to take it easy for 6 weeks - no lifting, no vacuuming (shucks!), no overdoing it at all.

The next few days brought many visitors (from as far away as Ontario) as well as many plants, flowers, gift baskets & meals. My employer provided us with a number of frozen meals and our Church mobilized numerous people to provide us with hot, cooked meals for the first week. I felt overwhelmingly loved and blessed.

My life was changing... so fast, so crazy fast. You know what I realized, though, not once did I think "why me". I credit that, at least in part, to seeing my Aunt handle her breast cancer with grace, steadfast faith & humour. I knew I was in for the ride of my life; what did God have in store for me?