Generosity...

Have you ever asked yourself "what does it mean to be generous"? Well, Dictionary.com defines generosity as "freedom from meanness or smallness of mind or character". Hmmm.... pretty deep, hey?

So, instead of worrying about the definitions, I asked myself "where does generosity spring from?" Does it come from an attitude of "I have lots so I am willing to give as long as there's enough left for me"? Or, does it come from a place of complete trust in the provider of all we have? A place where we may not have an abundance of _________ (money, time, patience - you know what goes in the blank for you), BUT a place where we give out of an abundance of faith and trust?

A good friend challenged me a couple of weeks ago to think bigger than an immediate request for help I'd received. She challenged me to really look (I mean really look) at us as a larger body of Christ who share and help and support each other; to truly making it less about mine and more about "ours".

Maybe to you it seems a little "Pollyanna" to think that people in the Church (not a church building but THE Church as in the body of believers) really could be doing life together, really, truly there to support and help each other but just imagine what it could be like... to give and receive from a place of wealth and abundance and love... even when our bank account doesn't look plentiful... even when we really want to have a nap but someone needs our help or just a shoulder to cry on...

Dream with me for a minute... What if we truly, truly and completely believed Proverbs 11:25 "A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed"?

Lead me...

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I can have a bit of a stubborn streak. I can be a bit opinionated on certain topics with certain people - mostly, my family but especially with my husband. Over most of the 16 years of our marriage, we certainly did not fulfill "traditional" roles with our family. Due to circumstances and choices (both good & bad), I was often the one bringing home the bacon and Sherwin was the one frying it up. We told ourselves that we were good with that; it didn't really matter. However, somewhere in my deepest heart, I harboured resentment and bitterness over the situation. Most of the time, it was buried so deeply I would have argued with anyone who tried to call me on it. Yet, the fruit of that bitterness was discontent, snippy attitude with Sherwin, envy of others, lack of focus on my family and home... I could go on and on but the most vile fruit was that I emasculated my husband little by little; I stood in the way of him being the leader in our home, in the most important way - spiritually.

Don't get me wrong... I am not saying that it is "bad" for a wife to earn more money or to have a more flourishing career than her husband, it wasn't a matter of who made more money - this was a heart matter for me (possibly for him, too, but definitely for me). I think it is very possible for a wife to have a strong career and her husband to even be a stay at home dad BUT you have to be so much more intentional about honouring the way God created us - for the husband to be the spiritual head of the home. Men need to be admired, they need to be needed, and, most important, they need to know they are respected. I digress... so, for me, it was a heart matter. In my heart of hearts, I wanted to be home to raise my family, to care for my husband, to be the wife and mom that my mom was for us - I didn't intend on having a career. Through the years, I told myself that I wouldn't have been good at home anyway, that Sherwin was a way better mom than me so we were okay: our marriage was ok, our home was ok, our kids would be ok.

I have to ask myself, "why was ok enough?" God wants us to have life to the full! I want that for my life, my marriage, my family. My continued denial of my true heart in this matter eroded all of it. However, over the past months with lots of prayer, support, and seeking God's face; I have openly repented for the resentment I felt towards Sherwin in this regard. I'd never allowed him to truly be the leader in our family and that left us all feeling like we were walking on shifting sand.

The past few months have been a time of steep growth around our house as we begin to live out the roles God gave us within the constraints of the personalities He gave us (not to mention the different Love Languages). What I can tell you is that it takes work, it takes intentionality not to fall into old patterns, and it takes understanding. We came to realize that Sherwin, like many men his age, did not really even understand his role. He came to realize that my hurts at the hands of men had seriously constricted my ability to trust him fully. Praise God that HE is a God of healing, the Wonderful Counsellor, the God of miracles... with His help, we are moving forward, we are growing and soon, I believe we will be truly flourishing. No more will the fruits be vile and bitter but sweet, savoury, and bountiful...

Now my heart's cry is LEAD Me.... I want to be the wife, mother, and woman God created me to be.

The Twenty-third Psalm

Today, in my devotional time, I read Psalm 23 in the New Living Translation. I've never read it in that translation before and it really spoke to where I am in my life right now. As I read through the Psalms, I see King David praising and worship but also complaining and questioning. Through it all, he clings to a Faith in God that is strong enough to see him through the worst life can throw at him and keep him humble during times of glory.

Psalm 23:

1 The LORD is my shepherd;

I have all that I need.

2 He lets me rest in green meadows;

he leads me beside peaceful streams.

3 He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

bringing honor to his name.

4 Even when I walk

through the darkest valley,*

I will not be afraid,

for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

protect and comfort me.

5 You prepare a feast for me

in the presence of my enemies.

You honor me by anointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings.

6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me

all the days of my life,

and I will live in the house of the LORD

forever

And then came real life again...

My trip to Africa profoundly impacted me in many ways; some are so personal, I can't even begin to write about them but others I'm excited to share. I walked away from the experience knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will go back to Africa, I feel a deep connection with the people and what God is doing there. I also realized that my life had once again become completely out-of-control crazy; this feeling was compounded by the fact that I was back on the road for work a mere 39 hour after arriving back in Edmonton. The worst part, I had the opportunity to not work those first days but I was so worried about making up for the income we didn't have while I was away that I was stubborn.

Suffice to say, the first days after I came back caused major strife in my home. You'd think that after being away for so long, everyone would be "blissfully happy and harmonious". Well, it wasn't like that at all. I needed time to digest the experience but I also had the demands of 3 kids, 1 husband, and a job pulling at me. If you know me at all or have read my earliest blogs, which do you think won the fight??? My job. I guess, that part of me that feels that my family will understand and I had work commitments to up hold took over again. Within a few days, the pressure cooker exploded. I won't go into gory details but my life felt like it was falling apart around me. I cried so much over the span of a couple of days, I felt like I wouldn't be able to move. How I got through 4 straight days of workshops, I still have no idea.

But, out of my anguish, God showed me the image of a beautiful garden that had been left unattended for too long. There were weeds and thistles of hurt, neglect, and distrust. It hurt when I realized this was where I was heading with my family. But God is good, and He also showed me that He wanted me to tend the garden of my blessings with my whole being for a season to nurture it back to health and beauty. He showed me that once it was healthy, the tending becomes simpler as long as it has consistent attention and care. He showed also impressed upon me that my family is like a precious gift that He has given me that I have kept in the pretty box and put on my shelf to look at and play with occassionally but that He wants me to enjoy the gift, not just admire it, to love it and treasure it.

Talk about bring me to my knees and making me face the reality of my own self-centeredness - I'd been on such a mission to find my purpose that I'd ended up neglecting a big part of my purpose - my family. Can you say "HUMBLING"? I did take this very seriously, though, and stepped back from work immediately. I continued with the commitments I'd made but everything else was back burner to my family and home. While none of this made sense to the human brain from a financial perspective (and trust me, it's been tough), I knew it was the right thing to do.

While I won't profess to be "Susie homemaker", I definitely have made huge strides to creating the home for my family that was always in my heart. I'm pleased to say that the garden is starting to bloom again.

Where does the time go???? (sorry it's so long!)

Well, I made it back from Africa safely :-) I can't believe I've been so delinquent as to take almost 6 months to update my blog with my experience in Zambia. It is true what they (who ever "they" is): the road to nowhere is paved with good intentions! I've truly "intended" to finish my Zambia story many times and yet, here I sit over two months later. So, enough ruminating!!!

I left off my story in Zambia looking forward to hearing Debbie preach and going to the market. Debbie preached about "renovating our minds"; I found it profound. Isn't that what we really need to do if we are to break old thought patterns? Isn't that what we really need to do when we want to truly affect change in our lives? Zambia was a great opportunity for me to work at renovating my own mind; a journey that has continued the past two months (but that's another story...)

The market was filled - I mean FILLED - with people selling their handiwork and the works of others. They really did make my experience in the markets in Mexico and Trinidad seem mild and passive. We only had 2 market experiences in Zambia (Lusaka & Kitwe) but I think I came home with 12 Chitenge clothes. To fully appreciate how much fabric this really is, you need to know that Chitenge is typically sold in 2 metre sections! It is the waxed cotton in beautiful prints that women use as a wrap, a skirt, a baby carrier, and much more without sewing anything OR they sew beautiful garments from it. I became a pretty skilled barterer if I do say so myself! The best purchase at the market in Kitwe was large double Giraffe statue that Betty bought and I affectionately named: Barney & BamBam :-) We toted these guys with us for the rest of the trip and all the way home!

The rest of the trip was filled with amazing experiences which, had I been able to update when I was there or taken the time to update when I first got back, I would write about it far more detail (not that I've forgotten anything, it is forever imprinted in my mind and documented in my journals). If anyone wants to hear any of the stories in more detail, feel free to contact me - I love talking about the experience.

So, we did continue to work with other groups and do workshops. We worked with a group of 30 community school teachers from 19 schools. This was a special group since I've worked with many teacher groups here in Alberta. The unique thing with this group of teachers was they teach the poorest children and they do it on a volunteer basis. Yup! You read that right - volunteer teachers!!! Many of them work other jobs just to support their own families but they are all so passionate about educating the children of Lusaka. We had so much fun with this group! Especially at the end when we were able to give a soccer ball to each school represented; they were so excited to receive something as simple as a soccer ball from a soccer team and school group in Sherwood Park. This was our last workshop in Lusaka, we then travelled to Kitwe.

In Kitwe, we spent time with John & Ruth Kerr who are missionaries working at the TransAfrican Theological College (TTC). We sorted clothes from a container they received from Canada so that some could go to the Prison Ministry run by a young pastor named Charles, some was to take to a very poor, rural church, and some was for a group of young pastors based out of a church in Kabwe. Meeting Charles was a true privilege. He has a started a Prison Ministry and God is blessing him through that ministry but listening to his jaw-dropping story made me wish I'd had a video camera with me or at least a voice recorder. Here is a link to John Kerr's blog with a detailed account of Charles story from 2007 (trust me, it's worth a read!): http://zambiakerrs.typepad.com/kerrentevents/2007/10/index.html

With the Kerr's, we visited a community school and learned about the feeding program and we travelled to a rural church way out in the bush where we delivered clothing to very poor men, women, and children. When we arrived, the people were gathered singing praises to God in there tiny little thatched, hut church - it was truly awe-inspiring and I was overcome by emotion as they escorted us to the seats of honour at the front of the church. As we distributed clothing, we heard some of the stories. Many had walked many miles to be there and several had no shoes or shoes that were barely staying together. As heart-wrenching as it may sound, these people were so joyful and grateful for what they had and what we brought - recognizing that it all comes from God.

On the weekend, we went to Kabwe where we ran a women's retreat at Mukobeko Assembly for the weekend for women in leadership at churches in the rural areas surrounding Kabwe. The 33 women in attendence all slept on the church floor for the weekend just so they could be there! Some women had walked many, many hours to be there and others rode in the backs of trucks for several hours. The weekend was filled with singing, visiting, workshops, sermons, and devotions as well as some practical lessons in rug making and a little pampering for the ladies. The ladies of Mukobeko Assembly and the other churches will remain and inspiration to me every time I look back on the experience.

When we got back to Lusaka for our final service, we met up with many of our friends from Fountain of Praise church who founded the Esther Project to deliver food in the compounds. While delivering food, we heard the stories of many widows who are caring for their children or grandchildren alone. The stories broke my heart and warmed it all at the same time. I didn't hear a lot of "poor me" but I heard a lot of "I will always praise my God who sustains me". While all of the people we visited had an impact, the one who really touched me was 84 year old Monica. It is rare for people to live to an old age in the compounds of Zambia but Monica was 84. She greeted us all with a big hug and welcomed us into her small home where there was barely room for the 12 of us. She didn’t speak English and understood only a couple of words so Mary translated for us. Monica’s children had all died; all 7 of them. She only has one grandchild who is living. BUT, inspite of it all, Monica was praising God. She prostrated herself by laying on the dirt and concrete floor in front of us in a traditional Zambian gesture of gratitude to us for coming. As she spoke of God’s goodness in spite of her tough life, she had tears in her eyes. I couldn’t help but cry, too. But, she said that even when everything has been taken away, she can still praise her God just like Job. While Rosalia was praying for Monica, I took her hand; she grasped mine with both of hers and held on tightly. I just wept. It reminded me that we can be joyful inspite of our circumstances - not because of but INSPITE of!

Phew! The emotions of those visits still cause my eyes and heart to well up!

So, in the end, we did get a brief "holiday" in Africa! We drove 3 hours to Mukambi Safari Lodge in Kafue National Park. It was SPECTACULAR!!! Loved it, like something in the movies! I went on 2 driving safaris (one evening and one at 5:45am) and on water safari. For the morning one, it was just Betty, myself, and our 2 guides for 3 hours. On our outings, we saw beautiful birds, Impala, Puku (Greater & Lesser), majestic Elephants, wild boar, mongoose, jakal, Water Buffalo, Velvet monkeys, cheetahs, a lioness, zebras, hippos, and a croc. Spectacular!!! All of this in a 24 hours span then the 3 hour drive back to Lusaka! Let me tell you, that was one quiet 3 hour ride with all of us completely exhausted!

The next morning, it was on to the plane for our 2 day trek back home!