Tammy's TidBits

Hello old friend...

2012-01-08T22:37:00.000-08:00

It has been over 1 year since I posted last; not quite what I'd planned when I started the blog with gusto & enthusiasm! One thing I know, this blog is looking old and tired just like me lately; needs some updating for sure!!! Pretty sure no one visits my blog so I'm probably just talking to myself right now (especially considering it's been stale for so long anyone who was interested has probably lost interest!!!) I've actually started many entries but, sadly, life called me away leaving blog entries unfinished. When I would finally return to them, I'd either forgotten my point, they were irrelevant or I convinced myself they were just not any good.

Interestingly, I realize that my blog is a metaphor for so many other ventures in my life. I feel drawn but then my insecurities and fears have blocked my desire, calling, and drive. There's the fear that I don't write well enough now, there's the fear that I'll offend someone, there's the fear that I'll be judged if I reveal my flaws, there's the fear that I'll be judged if I'm too shallow... you get the picture. The fear of what people might think... or worse yet, the fear that no one will care to read my blog. So, it is easier for me to let my busy life be a justifiable excuse to put off for another day (like Scarlett O'Hara " I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow. ") I know that God has placed certain dreams on my heart so why have I let life, fear, insecurity, etc. stop me? God has a plan and a purpose for my life - I don't have to figure it all out, I don't have to care what other people will think, I just have to lean into Him and let Him guide my steps. That's my plan for 2012 - that I would let God direct my steps and unfold His plan in my life.

What's your plan for 2012? God has a plan and a purpose for you, too. Will you let Him guide you?

Generosity...

2010-11-03T17:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever asked yourself "what does it mean to be generous"? Well, Dictionary.com defines generosity as "freedom from meanness or smallness of mind or character". Hmmm.... pretty deep, hey?

So, instead of worrying about the definitions, I asked myself "where does generosity spring from?" Does it come from an attitude of "I have lots so I am willing to give as long as there's enough left for me"? Or, does it come from a place of complete trust in the provider of all we have? A place where we may not have an abundance of _________ (money, time, patience - you know what goes in the blank for you), BUT a place where we give out of an abundance of faith and trust?

A good friend challenged me a couple of weeks ago to think bigger than an immediate request for help I'd received. She challenged me to really look (I mean really look) at us as a larger body of Christ who share and help and support each other; to truly making it less about mine and more about "ours".

Maybe to you it seems a little "Pollyanna" to think that people in the Church (not a church building but THE Church as in the body of believers) really could be doing life together, really, truly there to support and help each other but just imagine what it could be like... to give and receive from a place of wealth and abundance and love... even when our bank account doesn't look plentiful... even when we really want to have a nap but someone needs our help or just a shoulder to cry on...

Dream with me for a minute... What if we truly, truly and completely believed Proverbs 11:25 "A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed"?

Lead me...

2010-09-23T18:31:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I can have a bit of a stubborn streak. I can be a bit opinionated on certain topics with certain people - mostly, my family but especially with my husband. Over most of the 16 years of our marriage, we certainly did not fulfill "traditional" roles with our family. Due to circumstances and choices (both good & bad), I was often the one bringing home the bacon and Sherwin was the one frying it up. We told ourselves that we were good with that; it didn't really matter. However, somewhere in my deepest heart, I harboured resentment and bitterness over the situation. Most of the time, it was buried so deeply I would have argued with anyone who tried to call me on it. Yet, the fruit of that bitterness was discontent, snippy attitude with Sherwin, envy of others, lack of focus on my family and home... I could go on and on but the most vile fruit was that I emasculated my husband little by little; I stood in the way of him being the leader in our home, in the most important way - spiritually.

Don't get me wrong... I am not saying that it is "bad" for a wife to earn more money or to have a more flourishing career than her husband, it wasn't a matter of who made more money - this was a heart matter for me (possibly for him, too, but definitely for me). I think it is very possible for a wife to have a strong career and her husband to even be a stay at home dad BUT you have to be so much more intentional about honouring the way God created us - for the husband to be the spiritual head of the home. Men need to be admired, they need to be needed, and, most important, they need to know they are respected. I digress... so, for me, it was a heart matter. In my heart of hearts, I wanted to be home to raise my family, to care for my husband, to be the wife and mom that my mom was for us - I didn't intend on having a career. Through the years, I told myself that I wouldn't have been good at home anyway, that Sherwin was a way better mom than me so we were okay: our marriage was ok, our home was ok, our kids would be ok.

I have to ask myself, "why was ok enough?" God wants us to have life to the full! I want that for my life, my marriage, my family. My continued denial of my true heart in this matter eroded all of it. However, over the past months with lots of prayer, support, and seeking God's face; I have openly repented for the resentment I felt towards Sherwin in this regard. I'd never allowed him to truly be the leader in our family and that left us all feeling like we were walking on shifting sand.

The past few months have been a time of steep growth around our house as we begin to live out the roles God gave us within the constraints of the personalities He gave us (not to mention the different Love Languages). What I can tell you is that it takes work, it takes intentionality not to fall into old patterns, and it takes understanding. We came to realize that Sherwin, like many men his age, did not really even understand his role. He came to realize that my hurts at the hands of men had seriously constricted my ability to trust him fully. Praise God that HE is a God of healing, the Wonderful Counsellor, the God of miracles... with His help, we are moving forward, we are growing and soon, I believe we will be truly flourishing. No more will the fruits be vile and bitter but sweet, savoury, and bountiful...

Now my heart's cry is LEAD Me.... I want to be the wife, mother, and woman God created me to be.

The Twenty-third Psalm

2010-09-16T09:11:00.000-07:00

Today, in my devotional time, I read Psalm 23 in the New Living Translation. I've never read it in that translation before and it really spoke to where I am in my life right now. As I read through the Psalms, I see King David praising and worship but also complaining and questioning. Through it all, he clings to a Faith in God that is strong enough to see him through the worst life can throw at him and keep him humble during times of glory.

Psalm 23:

1 The LORD is my shepherd;

I have all that I need.

2 He lets me rest in green meadows;

he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,*
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the LORD
forever

And then came real life again...

2010-08-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

My trip to Africa profoundly impacted me in many ways; some are so personal, I can't even begin to write about them but others I'm excited to share. I walked away from the experience knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will go back to Africa, I feel a deep connection with the people and what God is doing there. I also realized that my life had once again become completely out-of-control crazy; this feeling was compounded by the fact that I was back on the road for work a mere 39 hour after arriving back in Edmonton. The worst part, I had the opportunity to not work those first days but I was so worried about making up for the income we didn't have while I was away that I was stubborn.

Suffice to say, the first days after I came back caused major strife in my home. You'd think that after being away for so long, everyone would be "blissfully happy and harmonious". Well, it wasn't like that at all. I needed time to digest the experience but I also had the demands of 3 kids, 1 husband, and a job pulling at me. If you know me at all or have read my earliest blogs, which do you think won the fight??? My job. I guess, that part of me that feels that my family will understand and I had work commitments to up hold took over again. Within a few days, the pressure cooker exploded. I won't go into gory details but my life felt like it was falling apart around me. I cried so much over the span of a couple of days, I felt like I wouldn't be able to move. How I got through 4 straight days of workshops, I still have no idea.

But, out of my anguish, God showed me the image of a beautiful garden that had been left unattended for too long. There were weeds and thistles of hurt, neglect, and distrust. It hurt when I realized this was where I was heading with my family. But God is good, and He also showed me that He wanted me to tend the garden of my blessings with my whole being for a season to nurture it back to health and beauty. He showed me that once it was healthy, the tending becomes simpler as long as it has consistent attention and care. He showed also impressed upon me that my family is like a precious gift that He has given me that I have kept in the pretty box and put on my shelf to look at and play with occassionally but that He wants me to enjoy the gift, not just admire it, to love it and treasure it.

Talk about bring me to my knees and making me face the reality of my own self-centeredness - I'd been on such a mission to find my purpose that I'd ended up neglecting a big part of my purpose - my family. Can you say "HUMBLING"? I did take this very seriously, though, and stepped back from work immediately. I continued with the commitments I'd made but everything else was back burner to my family and home. While none of this made sense to the human brain from a financial perspective (and trust me, it's been tough), I knew it was the right thing to do.

While I won't profess to be "Susie homemaker", I definitely have made huge strides to creating the home for my family that was always in my heart. I'm pleased to say that the garden is starting to bloom again.

Where does the time go???? (sorry it's so long!)

2010-08-10T12:51:00.001-07:00

Well, I made it back from Africa safely :-) I can't believe I've been so delinquent as to take almost 6 months to update my blog with my experience in Zambia. It is true what they (who ever "they" is): the road to nowhere is paved with good intentions! I've truly "intended" to finish my Zambia story many times and yet, here I sit over two months later. So, enough ruminating!!!

I left off my story in Zambia looking forward to hearing Debbie preach and going to the market. Debbie preached about "renovating our minds"; I found it profound. Isn't that what we really need to do if we are to break old thought patterns? Isn't that what we really need to do when we want to truly affect change in our lives? Zambia was a great opportunity for me to work at renovating my own mind; a journey that has continued the past two months (but that's another story...)

The market was filled - I mean FILLED - with people selling their handiwork and the works of others. They really did make my experience in the markets in Mexico and Trinidad seem mild and passive. We only had 2 market experiences in Zambia (Lusaka & Kitwe) but I think I came home with 12 Chitenge clothes. To fully appreciate how much fabric this really is, you need to know that Chitenge is typically sold in 2 metre sections! It is the waxed cotton in beautiful prints that women use as a wrap, a skirt, a baby carrier, and much more without sewing anything OR they sew beautiful garments from it. I became a pretty skilled barterer if I do say so myself! The best purchase at the market in Kitwe was large double Giraffe statue that Betty bought and I affectionately named: Barney & BamBam :-) We toted these guys with us for the rest of the trip and all the way home!

The rest of the trip was filled with amazing experiences which, had I been able to update when I was there or taken the time to update when I first got back, I would write about it far more detail (not that I've forgotten anything, it is forever imprinted in my mind and documented in my journals). If anyone wants to hear any of the stories in more detail, feel free to contact me - I love talking about the experience.

So, we did continue to work with other groups and do workshops. We worked with a group of 30 community school teachers from 19 schools. This was a special group since I've worked with many teacher groups here in Alberta. The unique thing with this group of teachers was they teach the poorest children and they do it on a volunteer basis. Yup! You read that right - volunteer teachers!!! Many of them work other jobs just to support their own families but they are all so passionate about educating the children of Lusaka. We had so much fun with this group! Especially at the end when we were able to give a soccer ball to each school represented; they were so excited to receive something as simple as a soccer ball from a soccer team and school group in Sherwood Park. This was our last workshop in Lusaka, we then travelled to Kitwe.

In Kitwe, we spent time with John & Ruth Kerr who are missionaries working at the TransAfrican Theological College (TTC). We sorted clothes from a container they received from Canada so that some could go to the Prison Ministry run by a young pastor named Charles, some was to take to a very poor, rural church, and some was for a group of young pastors based out of a church in Kabwe. Meeting Charles was a true privilege. He has a started a Prison Ministry and God is blessing him through that ministry but listening to his jaw-dropping story made me wish I'd had a video camera with me or at least a voice recorder. Here is a link to John Kerr's blog with a detailed account of Charles story from 2007 (trust me, it's worth a read!): http://zambiakerrs.typepad.com/kerrentevents/2007/10/index.html

With the Kerr's, we visited a community school and learned about the feeding program and we travelled to a rural church way out in the bush where we delivered clothing to very poor men, women, and children. When we arrived, the people were gathered singing praises to God in there tiny little thatched, hut church - it was truly awe-inspiring and I was overcome by emotion as they escorted us to the seats of honour at the front of the church. As we distributed clothing, we heard some of the stories. Many had walked many miles to be there and several had no shoes or shoes that were barely staying together. As heart-wrenching as it may sound, these people were so joyful and grateful for what they had and what we brought - recognizing that it all comes from God.

On the weekend, we went to Kabwe where we ran a women's retreat at Mukobeko Assembly for the weekend for women in leadership at churches in the rural areas surrounding Kabwe. The 33 women in attendence all slept on the church floor for the weekend just so they could be there! Some women had walked many, many hours to be there and others rode in the backs of trucks for several hours. The weekend was filled with singing, visiting, workshops, sermons, and devotions as well as some practical lessons in rug making and a little pampering for the ladies. The ladies of Mukobeko Assembly and the other churches will remain and inspiration to me every time I look back on the experience.

When we got back to Lusaka for our final service, we met up with many of our friends from Fountain of Praise church who founded the Esther Project to deliver food in the compounds. While delivering food, we heard the stories of many widows who are caring for their children or grandchildren alone. The stories broke my heart and warmed it all at the same time. I didn't hear a lot of "poor me" but I heard a lot of "I will always praise my God who sustains me". While all of the people we visited had an impact, the one who really touched me was 84 year old Monica. It is rare for people to live to an old age in the compounds of Zambia but Monica was 84. She greeted us all with a big hug and welcomed us into her small home where there was barely room for the 12 of us. She didn’t speak English and understood only a couple of words so Mary translated for us. Monica’s children had all died; all 7 of them. She only has one grandchild who is living. BUT, inspite of it all, Monica was praising God. She prostrated herself by laying on the dirt and concrete floor in front of us in a traditional Zambian gesture of gratitude to us for coming. As she spoke of God’s goodness in spite of her tough life, she had tears in her eyes. I couldn’t help but cry, too. But, she said that even when everything has been taken away, she can still praise her God just like Job. While Rosalia was praying for Monica, I took her hand; she grasped mine with both of hers and held on tightly. I just wept. It reminded me that we can be joyful inspite of our circumstances - not because of but INSPITE of!

Phew! The emotions of those visits still cause my eyes and heart to well up!

So, in the end, we did get a brief "holiday" in Africa! We drove 3 hours to Mukambi Safari Lodge in Kafue National Park. It was SPECTACULAR!!! Loved it, like something in the movies! I went on 2 driving safaris (one evening and one at 5:45am) and on water safari. For the morning one, it was just Betty, myself, and our 2 guides for 3 hours. On our outings, we saw beautiful birds, Impala, Puku (Greater & Lesser), majestic Elephants, wild boar, mongoose, jakal, Water Buffalo, Velvet monkeys, cheetahs, a lioness, zebras, hippos, and a croc. Spectacular!!! All of this in a 24 hours span then the 3 hour drive back to Lusaka! Let me tell you, that was one quiet 3 hour ride with all of us completely exhausted!

The next morning, it was on to the plane for our 2 day trek back home!

Leadership & Team in Africa

2010-02-26T11:48:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been two days! Sometimes, it seems longer; sometimes shorter - time is funny that way. Yesterday, we did some errands, bought some groceries; you know "normal" stuff but yesterday was our first workshop day. Let me tell you, I was nervous about the workshop - I mean, I don't speak or understand Zambian and we were told there would not likely be an interpreter, YIKES!!! I spent time the day we arrived reviewing what I wanted to share, knowing that they wanted me to speak about leadership and team. Sounds simple, right? I was worried though as I was only using a very small amount of the material we use in courses at home since I couldn't take gear with me.

The first day of workshops was for a group of women who are leaders in an organization called Hearts of Compassion. This organization was formed to help widows and orphans - mostly widowed due to HIV; most of the women in the group were widows themselves and ranged in age from about 25 to 60+. When we arrived at the location for the workhop, about half of the women were there (Africa time means we start when people arrive for example a 9ish start could be 9, it could be 10, it could be later). Since we needed to wait for the other group, the women burst into song - literally, the sound burst from the room. They were praising and worshiping and dancing. The beautiful harmonies were so powerful! I felt such powerful emotion listening to the women sing; I could barely hold back the tears. When the other women arrived, we began the day. It didn't take long to realize that most of the women spoke very little English; thankfully, a lovely lady named Helen stepped forward as a translator and the day began. While I know there were things that I forgot to say that I'd planned to say and I did a lot of improvising so that the women could understand the concepts; God was definitely there and the result was overwhelming. In addition to the teachings I did, Debbie & Betty taught the women to make rag rugs. The only man in the room was one of the acting leaders and he said the timing of the workshop was perfect and the content exactly in line with what the team needed. I feel so blessed to be here! For lunch, they served us nshima - a stiff dough made from ground maize called mealie meal. It is the consistency of playdough and tastes like a mix of mashed potatoes and cream of wheat. You knead in the palm of one hand, flatten it in that same hand and use it to pick up other food called relish. Relish could be a vegatable mix or chicken for example. This was my first experience with traditional Zambian food.

Today, we worked with a group of Church leaders at the Fountain of Praise Assembly; the group was worship leaders, pastors, deacons, deaconess', youth leaders, praise members, etc. The church building itself was so simple - concrete and aluminum - a clear reminder that the building is irrelevant to God. We were set to start at 9am but we were told to come at 10am due to African time :-) Then, we didn't even start until close to 11! Good thing that doesn't bother me too much :-) Again, the group lifted their voices in the most beautiful harmonies - I wish I could bottle the sound and bring it home with me!!! The men and women were so wonderful and the level of English was astounding: no translator required! During lunch (which was 'take-away' chicken & chips from the Hungry Lion), Betty and I sat with the younger people who were there. Some were finishing high school, some in college and some already working; all were highly intelligent and communicated very well in English. One young woman, Mercy, is planning to become a neurosurgeon or cardiologist, part of that plan is to go to medical school in Canada in the fall. All of them are on Facebook even though they don't have computers at home. We had so much fun with the group and I have learned that Zambians seem to have an excellent sense of humour.

I can't even begin to explain all that is going on in my head and my heart. God has been good to me and directed to to create teaching sessions for the workshops that have been well received here; He's also granted me the grace to let the agenda be fluid and 'wing it' along the way.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I can't wait to go to Fountain of Praise for church!!! Debbie is preaching and I don't do anything but enjoy!!! Tomorrow is also exciting because we are going to the market; it will be a nice relaxing day. On Monday, I'm teaching all day again, Tuesday we travel to Kitwe where we meet up with Ruth & John Kerr who are missionaries teaching at a college. Tuesday is a travel & market day. Wednesday, we help Ruth sort a bunch of donations and have lunch at the college. Thursday, we go out and deliver clothing to needy families in the morning, I do an afternoon workshop do the student wives and other women on campus; Betty & Debbie will then teach them to make rugs. Friday, we teach a group of women to sew quilts then head back to Lusaka.

I don't think I'll have internet from Tuesday to Thursday night because of travel.

God Bless!

Zambia via London via Toronto

2010-02-25T01:36:00.000-08:00

It seems like so long ago since I left Edmonton but, in truth, it's not even been 48 hours. Before we even left Edmonton, we experience divine intervention on our trip. Debbie (our team leader) was called to the gate over the intercom; none of us knew why but we were all secretly hoping that we were being upgraded :-) When Debbie got there, they had her passport & boarding pass at the counter. It was strange because Debbie was sure it was in her bag. Apparantly, a young couple had found it in the garbage can when they were throwing out a coffee cup. Debbie still has no idea how it got there since all she threw away was a banana peel. But, it made for an exciting start!

We arrived safely in Lusaka, Zambia at 6:15am (Zambia time) which was 9:15pm back home. Our first stop was Toronto where we had about 3 hours to kill then hopped the plane to London. When we arrived in London, we purchased tickets for the "tube" and headed to downtown London. I must say, we made our way through the London Underground like experts! In our few short hours in London, we went to Picadilly Circus, had Fish & Chips at Three Crowns, went for a "flight" on the London Eye, and spent some time at Buckingham Palace. Then... back to the airport to hop our 9+hour flight to Lusaka.

We arrived in Africa and got to Cheryl Ann's home only to realize that we'd left a suitcase at the airport. Fortunately, when Debbie & Cheryl Ann went back, it was there waiting. Now, we've all had showers and are ready to take on the day in Lusaka. It will be a low key day since we all want to be rested for our first all day workshop tomorrow. I will be leading a full day of workshops for about 30 women who work with widows and orphans. I don't often get nervous but I'm definitely nervous. BUT... I know that God has brought me here and He will not abandon me now. I feel Him leading me so I will trust in that.

On an interesting note, the missionary we are staying with is from close to home for me; she is from New Norway where my aunt and uncle live. Even more interesting is the fact that she is cousin to my friend's dad! Small world!

I hope all is well for everyone back home; my thoughts and prayers are with you always.

Anxious? Excited? Scared?

2010-02-23T07:28:00.000-08:00

I'm only a few hours away from boarding the plane that will take me away from my family for almost 3 weeks. I don't even know how I feel right now. I truly believe that God has lead me in this direction and I know that walking where He leads is not guaranteed to be easy but... It was so hard to send my family off today; Blyss tried so hard not to cry but just couldn't prevent the tears. Elisa was her usual composed self and Aphia cracks jokes to not think about it. Sherwin is so supportive and actually even admitted he'd miss me :-) (some of you know the story behind that comment!)

Truthfully, in the midst of all the emotions I feel, the strongest sensation is a deep & abiding peace that - no matter what - everything will be alright. I am hoping to have internet connection while in Zambia so that I can update my blog during my trip.

Pray for our missions team while we are away that we will be sensitive to God's promptings on us while travel, that we will be free from conflict within, and that our families will be safe and well during our absence.

God Bless!

Africa here I come!!!

2010-02-06T17:12:00.000-08:00

All my life, I've wanted to see Africa. I remember hearing stories of missionaries and thinking that someday, I'd like to try that. Well, someday is February 23, 2010! I'm going to Zambia with a small team from the Pentecostal Assemblies of Canada (PAOC). I'm feeling both excited and nervous. I have never been away from my family for more than a few days; this will be almost 3 weeks. I know that God has ordained this trip so I will put my trust in Him!

Overall, life is good. I have been working hard the past few months with a friend designing a new program for work all about continuous improvement. It's amazing how much can be applied to life in general; we all want to improve ourselves and our lives, right? Sometimes, the biggest hurdle to improvement is our own lack of ability to see more than one way of doing things, to see around real or perceived road-blocks. My prayer is that I will be open to opportunity, open to see the good around me, and open to God's will in my life.

Friends, please keep my family in your prayers over the next few weeks while I am away both for work and for missions. God bless!

HAPPY 2010!

2010-01-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

I've been terribly negligent at updating my blog the past couple of months but there has been so much going on. I travelled a lot for work through October, November & December; no place exotic, just Vancouver and Calgary but it still kept me busy.

I feel so incredibly blessed and overwhelmed by what is coming for the first part of 2010. Again, I'll be working a lot and gone a lot so I'm asking for your prayers for my family as we trudge through a hectic time of year for us. Perhaps one of the most exciting things coming up for me is a Women's mission trip to Zambia in late February! Sherwin & I prayed about this a great deal and feel very strongly that it is something I am supposed to do. Missions is something I have always wanted to experience but the opportunities never seemed right; this one feels right. I'm so excited to be travelling with a great group of women and having the opportunity to help women and children in Zambia. Stay posted for more information as it unfolds...

This Christmas was the first one in 3 years that I haven't been recovering from treatments or surgery so it was a welcome change. My family and I feel so blessed. However, I've learned that some friends of mine are not in the same situation. My friend's husband has been battling Brain Cancer for many years, mostly, it seemed to be at bay but the past year & a half have been difficult for them. Things looked good a couple of months ago but have gotten worse the past few weeks. They are a young couple with a 4 year old son; please keep them in your prayers. Another friend & mentor who was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in Nov. 08 and chose alternative therapies beyond a successful Lumpectomy. In correspondence early this fall, she was doing well and feeling strong; however, the cancer is back and seems to be quite aggressive. She is now tackling an intensive chemo protocol. Please keep her in your prayers also.

While these situations bring my own cancer to the forefront of my thoughts, I know who holds my days and I will not let the fear of a recurrence rule my life. I will continue to thank God for each day and for the wonderful family & friends I have around me.

God Bless you in 2010!

Thanksgiving

2009-10-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I make things in life so much more complex then they need to be... I think about updating my blog but then think I need to make it so deep that it overwhelms me enough to keep me from just doing it. This weekend, I learned a valuable lesson from my 13 year old daughter.

Elisa was asked by our pastor to speak on Thanksgiving Sunday. She was asked to speak about something she is thankful for - the time limit was 1 to 3 minutes. Of course, since the "asking" came through me, I had definite ideas of what she could (in my mind "should") say. I imagined all kinds of great speeches she could give. However, every time I asked her if she knew what she wanted to say, she would be very vague. On Saturday night, I told her I'd get up with her in the morning to help her write it out - if you asked me, she clearly didn't know what she wanted to say or how she should say it. Sunday morning, Elisa got up early - before me - and wrote out what she wanted to say. When I got up, I asked her to practice what she wanted to say - at this point, I was still thinking that I knew what she should say. As she read what she'd written, tears formed in my eyes because what she'd expressed her thanks in a simple, sweet, & powerful way. Here's what she wrote:

"Friends", a simple word but with it comes many meanings. Proverbs says that a friend sticks closer than a brother. My definition is someone who you can trust, someone you can lean on and who will catch you when you fall. I know how hard it is to make friends when moving schools, towns, provinces, even countries. But, I have met wonderful people at ECC (Eaglemont Christian Church) who have become my friends. They comforted me while my mom was going through cancer. We have had a great relationship for 3 years and we support each other. While we have our ups and downs, they only make our friendship stronger. This is why I am thankful for my past, present, and future friends. Thank you!"

I loved it! I especially found that I was struck by the last statement: "I am thankful for my past, present, and future friends." What a great thought! How often do we think about being thankful for the people God "will" bring into our lives??? It's easy to be thankful for those who are currently in your life but how cool to think of the people who will be our friends in the future???

Thank-you, God, for my past, present, AND my future friends!

An anniversary...

2009-08-06T14:27:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, summer has barely made itself known to us this year. I'm am hoping and praying for more HOT days before the kids go back to school! I've been off most of the summer; although that brings financial challenges, it has given me valuable time with my girls - time that I know is worth so much more than money.

At times, I realize how much I missed out on over the past years with my girls. I'm not going to let the time just slip away any longer. Today, as I celebrate the anniversary of my first chemo treatment, I reflect on how blessed I am and just how precious and fleeting time really is.

I don't want life to pass me by in the "flurry of busy-ness"; I want to revel in the goodness and the challenges of each day. How about you?

This world is not our home

2009-07-08T09:05:00.001-07:00

Today, I'm going to a funeral for a dear woman who reached 90 years of age. She is the Grandmother of my very good friends and I've known her my entire life. She lived a great life! She had 2 daughters, 7 grandchildren, & 20 Great-Grandchildren. I know that today will be sad for those who grieve her loss but it is also a time of celebration. Alice wanted to go home to the arms of Jesus for awhile; not just for the obvious reasons but also to be with her beloved husband, Clarence. What a reunion that must have been on Saturday!

Rest in Peace, Alice. You will be missed by many but we will meet again.

Tough love, tough times, & most of all triumphs...

2009-06-29T14:01:00.000-07:00

Who said relationships are easy if you love each other??? I'd really like to know that person's definition of the word "easy"! My husband & I have had a very stressful few years as you may have guessed if you read the older blog posts or you know us personally. It's funny how stress works, though, it seems to affect people differently & at different times. A week or so ago, it was my husband's turn to lose it. He was feeling beaten down, unappreciated, & under-valued; mostly by me. YIKES! That's a tough pill to swallow. I've been working so hard to figure life out but here he was feeling left out & left in the dust. Ouch... hearing his anger & hurt was like a punch in the stomach - especially, when I honestly looked at myself and saw the truth in his words.

It hurts when someone calls us on our selfishness - however unintentional it may have been. The past week has been filled with many heart-to-heart conversations, much seeking after God for wise counsel & comfort, and many tears. We may not have everything figured out yet, we may still have tenuous moments, and we may still be a work in progress... but, I'm proud to say, there has been progress. We have a deep & abiding love for & commitment to each other, to God & to our children that we will cling to when times are rough.

As we continue to work through the mounds of unspoken words from the past couple of years, keep us in your prayers.

2nd Anniversary of my awakening...

2009-06-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 2nd Anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. Truly, it is the 2nd anniversary of my awakening. Life was good before but life is so much better now. It's amazing how facing your mortality can really help you to gain perspective.

God has been so good to our family! We have learned to trust in Him more than ever (Prov. 3:5). We have learned that worrying does not help; we can not change the number of our days by worrying, God is in control & will care for all our needs (Matt. 6:25-34).

Our girls have grown so much in the past 2 years. They are amazing young women who've gone through too much for their young ages and shouldered too much responsibility yet they don't complain. Sherwin has been stoic through everything but every now & then I see a chink in his armour and know that the past couple of years have taken a toll on him. It saddens me greatly to see how he's tried to keep his concern from me but it pleases me that he truly believes God will take care of all of us.

My friends have been through so much with me; at times, I've felt like such a burden to those around me. Yet, through it all, they've loved me, comforted me, & supported me.

I am so blessed and pray that I never forget to honour this day... the anniversary of my awakening.

Rest, rest, rest...

2009-06-04T10:47:00.000-07:00

Why is it so incredibly hard to just rest? I had my breast reconstruction surgery on 9 days ago and the surgery went well. For the most part, I felt great afterwards but had strict orders from my wonderful surgeon to REST! He told me: no sweeping, no vacuuming, no lifting over 10lbs, no stretching, basically... sit on your butt! Most of this applies for 6 weeks!!! How do you not sweep the floor when there's grass tracked in from the dogs & kids? How do you not vacuum when you were dumb enough to put in dark brown carpet that shows EVERYTHING? I'm trying, I really am.

The first really dumb thing I did was move a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer... seemed benign enough but boy oh boy did I pay for it that evening. I actually thought I'd popped some stitches. I've caught myself sweeping and heading for the vacuum. I really realized how serious this was when I did a team building session for the youth from our church going to the Ukraine on a missions trip; it hurt to erase the whiteboard. How lame is that?

Why is it so difficult to rest? God tells us that we need to rest; that our best work comes from a state of rest not a state of stress and "busy-ness". So, why is it so hard? I think our culture is one of "busy" - do you ever ask someone how they've been and they say "I'm incredibly well rested & balanced. I've had several free evenings this week."??? I can't remember the last time I heard a response like that. Most of the time it's "I've been sooooo busy". I hear myself say it all the time. You'd think over the last 2 years I would have learned the lesson of rest. I'm trying, I really am trying. All I can do is pray that God works on my heart & head so I know how to balance, how to work hard and rest well.

How about you? Do you really know how to rest?

Be Blessed.

Mountains into roads...

2009-05-21T21:38:00.000-07:00

"I will turn all my mountains into roads, and my highways will be raised up." (Isaiah 49:11)

Tonight in my LPC course, Dr. Katie Brazelton blessed me with this verse from Isaiah. It was a huge blessing to me as I thought about all the mountains that have been in my way over the past few years and have been flattened into roads for me. Yesterday, was 2 years since the day I first noticed the lump in my breast. 2 YEARS!!! 2 YEARS!!! I can't believe how my life has changed in 2 short years. God has been right beside me caring for me, guiding me and bringing so many great people into my life!

On Tuesday, I will be under the knife yet again... this is the last surgery I have in the foreseeable future! I will certainly celebrate coming through one last dip in the road.

The highways are being raised up for me to cruise along the pathway to health, joy & purpose!

Thinking back over the past 2 years, causes me to smile with tears in my eyes. It is so nice to really be LIVING my life; I didn't even realize before that I was merely going through life. A subtle but enormous difference! How about you? Are you settling for going through life? or, are you truly LIVING your life.

Be blessed!

The Journey continues...

2009-05-13T20:53:00.000-07:00

I really am so blessed! The past month has been absolutely crazy & wonderful! I completed my coaching course but have a few items to complete for my certification. I'm taking a second course through Life Purpose Coaching Centers and it completed the end of May. I'm hoping to take on a couple of coaching clients by the fall; it's such a great process and I can't wait to walk along side other women searching for their purpose & calling in life!

I've had some really exciting opportunities in the past few weeks. With MGI, I've run a couple of events - a half day event with the City of Edmonton, a training event for JCI Edmonton and a full day solo gig. Plus, I've worked several opportunities with Rick (Ryan was in Peru for 3 weeks). I've also done a couple of opportunities with churches: I worked with our Pastor's council and spoke at a Mother's Day brunch in High Prairie at my friend's church (thanks, again for the opportunity, Juanita!). God has been so good to me!

We started our teen girls group (Head-to-Soul Makeover) on April 20. Thank God for Janelle! She was instrumental in taking the vision I've had for so long and really putting it into a reality. We have 17 girls age 12-14 both from our church & from the community. We are about half way through the program and it's been a great success so far. Personally, I've found it to be a blessing and learning experience for me. In addition to Janelle & I, we have an amazing team: Christine, Cindy, Paige, Louise, & sometimes Ashley. I'm so grateful to be surrounded by these great women!

On the home front, things are active (to say the least). Elisa & Aphia are playing spring league basketball which has meant 2 games & 1 practice most weeks since early April. Sherwin is coaching the team and they are all having a ball! I'm so proud of my girls; they are playing awesome together this year. The team is often playing with only 6 or 7 players so all the girls play hard and have fun. It's inspiring to watch the team play with so much heart and great attitudes. Blyss started soccer the beginning of May. She plays on Saturday mornings and was very proud to have stopped 3 shots on net during her first scrimmage & kicked the ball 3 times in her 2nd scrimmage. She gets to play with her friend, Keenan, so she's pretty happy about that.

Last week, I realized that May 6 was the 20year anniversary of my High School grad. It seems impossible that it's been 20 years, yet, so much of my life has happened in the past 20 years - so much really great stuff as well as some pretty tough stuff. Over all, I feel so incredibly grateful for the life God has given me. I have an amazing husband & 3 terrific girls not to mention a great family & countless precious friends.

What are you thankful for? What keeps you going?

Plans & Purpose

2009-03-17T19:49:00.000-07:00

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call up on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' " Jeremiah 29:11-13

Well, it's been a month since my last blog entry (the date says Mar. 17 because that's when I first started it...) Clearly, it too me much longer than I intended to get it completed but, that's life sometimes. :-)

So, I left off saying I'd talk about my spiritual journey during the past 2 years. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was scared but, I still knew that my life... every moment of it, every breath of it, was counted by my Creator. I knew that I could run to my heavenly Father for solace & comfort. Was I good at doing that up to that point in my life, sadly, no. But, facing my mortality definitely did that for me. I knew that instantly a multitude of prayers were being said for me and that God was listening.

As I walked through the months of surgery & chemo, I spent a lot of time reading, praying and getting wise counsel about what my purpose in life really was. What was my "divine" calling? What did God want for my life? I know that God has given us the ultimate gift of free will, but, He still has a unique purpose and path for each of us, I desperately wanted to know mine.

I knew that my life's purpose would be working with and (hopefully) inspiring people. It would be helping people to achieve a better understanding of others and relationships. I also believed that my love of public speaking, team building, and mentoring would also be a part of this plan.

I reconnected with a Rick from MGI who I'd taken training from in 2002. I had long believed it was the best training experience I'd ever had and it was useful both professionally & personally from the moment you leave the training; at the time when we reconnected during my chemo, I had no idea how or if MGI would fit into my future.

In February 2008, just before I went back to work, I was invited by a church in Edmonton to speak to a group of about 100 girls aged 11-17 about my experience with cancer, self-esteem & beauty. It was an incredible honour and blessing to me. God used the opportunity to show me that my dreams were possible. However, when I got back to work in March of 2008, after months of hoping for a divine epiphany, I was a little bit frustrated but still intent on discovering what my future direction would be. A few months later, I was invited to lead a workshop at a Women's conference; yet another small nudge.

To make a long story short, through much prayer, discussion and self-discovery, I realized that I really did want to pursue team building, facilitation, leadership development and speaking. Over the months, Rick & I had stayed in touch and over the months that followed, I had the opportunity to work a bit with Rick & Ryan (his son & business partner). Again, confirmation that it was something that was a fit for me and I truly loved it. So, December 31, 2009 was my last official day with Long View Systems after over 6 great years. Leaving was bittersweet for me because Long View really was so good to me but, I was excited to be going to follow my dreams.

Since January 2009, I've been contracting full-time with MGI. I really enjoy working with Rick & Ryan; we have a great rapport and balance each other nicely. It has been a true blessing to my family that I now stay home until the kids are off to school and get home around 3:30pm. Rick has been in business 25 years and believes strongly in putting family & health first. I've had great opportunities with MGI and a few outside of MGI, too. I've learned so much and God keeps showing me that He has wonderful things in store for me and my family.

Another area that is moving forward is the class for teen girls on self-esteem, etc. When I was a teen, my mom arranged for a class in Camrose and my sister and I attended; it was such a great influence in my life and with 3 daughters, I've wanted to do a similar thing for teen girls. Over a year ago, I shared this vision with my friend, Janelle, and we've had many discussions about it. Well, April 19/09 will be the kick off of our inaugural class. We have several wonderful women helping us out and we are basing it around curriculum by Dr. Katie Brazelton & Shelley Leith called "Head-to-Soul Makeover". It is a 10 week class focused on character and based around current TV reality shows. We pray it will be a blessing for these girls.

During my search for the curriculum (we'd been told about it by one of the ladies helping out), I came upon Life Purpose Coaching Centers International founded by Dr. Katie Brazelton. I felt a nudging to look into what they offered as curriculum. Within a week, I found myself registered for a coaching course starting April 2 and being taught by Dr. B. herself!!! It only gave me about 2 weeks before the course began. As a part of the course, I had to hire a coach which has been a great blessing for me. Dr. Hopelyn Brown is fantastic and I'm learning so much. Through LPCCI, there are several levels of courses I can take and, I'm thinking I probably will eventually. I wasn't really looking for this but, God surprises us sometimes with just what we need to take the next step.

I don't know what else is in store for me and sometimes I'm plagued with self-doubt and worry BUT, thanks to wise counsel, I'm learning to be watch & listen for confirmations that I'm moving in the right direction. I'm learning to step out boldly to embrace the gifts and talents God has given me. Is my path completely clear? No. But, little by little, bit by bit, it is being revealed and I'm learning to revel in the journey.

What little surprises are out there waiting for you? What is your unique purpose in life?

3 Short Movies...

2009-03-10T06:22:00.001-07:00

I decided to share these 3 short videos that I did over the 1st year of my diagnosis. The first one was for Thanksgiving 07 right before my 3rd round of chemo (the 1/2 way point), the second one was for Christmas 07 right before my 6th (& last) round of chemo, and the last video was from the 1 yr anniversary of my diagnosis. I guess they are pretty much self explanatory :-)

"...a time to heal..."

2009-03-08T12:48:00.000-07:00

"A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up." (Ecclesiastes 3:3)

So... 6 weeks after my mastectomy, it was time to start chemotherapy. Lots of people have asked me why chemo? Well, the oncologist told us that my tumor was a grade 3 out of 3 aggressiveness so - pretty much as aggressive as it could be. Add that to the fact that I was 35 years old (which is still considered "young" in the world of Breast Cancer), I had 2 strikes against me. Then, there was the fact that the pathology that said I had a "triple negative tumor" (estrogen & progesterone receptor negative - ER/PR and Her2/neu negative) meaning that neither Tamoxifan nor Herceptin would be viable options for my long term treatment. Fortunately, I had opted for a mastectomy immediately so they got clear margins (enough tissue without cancer cells) so I did not need to undergo radiation. The final strike against me was the fact that my aunt on mom's side had breast cancer (same pathology) and my maternal Grandmother had died of ovarian cancer. It was enough for the geneticist to deem that I had "hereditary breast & ovarian cancer syndrome". And so a path of treatment was set...

I was sceduled for a 6 round protocol of what is called "FEC" (fluorouracil, epirubicin, cyclophosphamide). A "round" is a 21 day cycle where day 1 is the day you get the drugs via IV and day 21 is the day before you go again. This also entails a blood test to check your neutrophils (a component of your white blood cells) if the neutrophils are at acceptable levels, you get your next round, if not, you wait another week. I won't go into great detail about my time going through chemo at this point but suffice to say, my body did not rebound quickly and all of my treatments were 4 weeks apart. They did try a drug called "neulasta" to help super-charge my bone marrow but my nurse practitioner said I was only the 2nd person they'd ever seen at the Cross Cancer institute whose body did not respond to the $2700/injection treatment. Go figure!

Anyway, let me back up for a minute... the FEC protocol guarantees the loss of hair - all of it! So, on August 11/07 just 2 days before I was to start chemotherapy, I decided to have a "pre-chemo head-shaving party". I invited my family and many friends. Our house was jam packed that night. Much to Janelle's chagrin, I enlisted her to pre-emptively shave my head. I just couldn't bear the thought of waiting for it to fall out. We had fun with it and I felt good about my decision.

Chemo started on August 13 and my last IV was on December 17/07. Each visit was about 3 hours and, fortunately, I did not have to do it alone. I was very blessed to have friends or family with me for most of my visits to the Cross; whether for blood tests or chemo. Sherwin came the first & second time but I let him off the hook the remaining 4 :-) Elisa really wanted to see it so she came the 2nd round but was bored silly by 1/2 way through. My friend, Kristen, came from Victoria for a week to be with me for round 3 and helped my family for a week. Lisa came from Ontario for round 4. This was an incredible blessing to my family and me; we felt so thankful to their families for letting them come help us. Sheri, a friend since college, sat through round 5 with me and kept me laughing for 3 hours. Miriam, a new friend, helped the time for round 6 disappear in no time! Through the entire experience of chemo, numerous friends & family members did more than I could ever recount to help us. Our Church family surrounded us with love, Long View supported us, new friends were made and old friends were helpful; we couldn't have made it without them. Laurel was there for the 1st round of chemo and she showed up with a supportive card before every round. Janelle, Sandra, & Susan were always there to help with the girls or just have coffee & conversation. I met so many new people who opened their hearts to me and helped me through; I met Jessica who was going through the same thing as me and we were able to support each other. The teachers at school who were so supportive of our girls - the list goes on and on...

Medically, there were numerous "issues" such as a bout with pneumonia resulting in a 3 day hospital stay, trouble with IVs resulting in a PIC line, lack of response to meds, etc. BUT, mostly, those felt minor to me. The loss of my hair was even minor to me (the worst part was losing my nose hair - you have no idea how useful nose hair is until you don't have it!!!!) I thought it would be a big deal but, I had fun with it. I especially enjoyed how quickly I could change my look and how quickly I could get ready to go out!

Emotionally, there were a few bumps in the road; most notably, after my bout with pneumonia. When I came home from the hospital, we found out from Elisa's teacher that she'd been crying at school because she believed it was her fault I'd gotten sick (she'd had a cold). It broke my heart that she took this on herself. It was also shortly after my bout with pneumonia that I broke down. I felt so completely broken; physically, emotionally & mentally. Fortunately, I just didn't let myself stay in that spot for long mostly due to the support I had from Sherwin and other friends.

That pretty much sums up the journey from a mainly physical experience. My next post will be more about the spiritual journey I underwent as a result of my diagnosis; it's the real reason I'm even writing this and the reason that I truly see my cancer as a blessing in my life.

Until next time... God Bless.

"A time to cry..."

2009-03-03T07:54:00.000-08:00

"A time for cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance."
(Ecclesiastes 3:4)

(I'll apologize up front for the length of this post)

As I talked about in my previous post, 11 months after our move to the Edmonton area, our world was shaken.

On the Sunday night of the May 2007 long weekend, I was snuggling with Blyss (then 3 years old). She was being silly and decided to "steamroller" over me. I put my hand across my chest as protection and noticed something that felt like a lump. But, it couldn't be, could it??? It had to have been my imagination. My first instinct was panic & tears but I didn't want to scare my daughter. However, when Sherwin walked in, it was another story; I couldn't control the fear that was threatening to envelop me. Sherwin is a very calm, not overly emotional but very gentle person. He just held me and reassured me that everything was fine; don't panic, God would be with us... blah, blah, blah... at least that's what I heard, I new in my head he was 100% right but I just needed my moment of panic. I didn't have a doctor yet (I'd been too busy since moving to think of it) but I called a friend who pulled some strings at her husband's clinic and got me in for the Tuesday.

The doctor reassured me (based on statistics) that it was unlikely to be cancerous then proceeded to examine me. However, as he checked the lump, he said "something doesn't seem quite right, it could be nothing but let's get it checked out."

Friday, May 25/07, I had a mammogram & ultrasound. Heidi and one of my closest friends, Laurel, came to my appointment with me. Any woman who has been through a mammogram knows that to say it's "uncomfortable" is a gentle but add the fact that you're 35 and having it because you have a lump in your breast, and the discomfort is the least of your concerns. The radiologist recommended a biopsy. It was scheduled for a biopsy on June 11/07 - just over 2 weeks from my mammogram. The wait was tough!

Monday, June 18, 2007 at 1:30pm my doctor looked at me and said "there is no easy way to say this but, you have breast cancer. I'm so sorry." I was in shock. I literally felt like I was watching a TV show. I cried for a bit but quickly pulled myself together. By the time I got back to the office, I got a call from the doctor's office - my appointment with the surgeon was the next day. WHAT?!?!? Could this really be happening?

I started making phone calls. So many tears... it was so hard to for everyone who loved me. I spent much of the time comforting others. Then, to tell our girls. Elisa (10) just looked at me and barely responded; Aphia (8) cried and held on to me; Blyss (3) really didn't get it.

Tuesday, June 19, with my parents by my side, the surgeon explained my options: lumpectomy or left-side mastectomy. He believed the tumour was growing rapidly and wanted to schedule surgery for Friday - yes, that's right, Friday of the same week. I decided on a mastectomy.

Wednesday, June 20, the day I had to tell my team that I would be off indefinitely and why. Shock overwhelmed the group. I was pretty much walking away from all my responsibilities at work - I felt so guilty. I remember thinking "at least with maternity leave, I had time to prepare and hand things off in a well planned out fashion."

Thursday, June 21, the plethora of appointments & tests started at 8am; my friend, Sheri, came from Calgary to be with me.

Elisa, who hadn't talked much since we told her about the cancer asked if she could talk to me. She said "so, what exactly is the procedure for tomorrow?" I explained the surgery as simply as possible. Her next question broke my heart; with big tears in her eyes, she asked me "does this run in families?" I told her that hopefully, by the time she has to think of about it, there would be a cure.

As I was putting Blyss to bed, I told her that I wouldn't be able to carry her for a few weeks. She asked me why so I told her that the doctor was going to cut off my breast to take away the yucky cancer. She asked me when I would get a new "booby". At the time, I didn't understand how long everything would take so I said "hopefully, by Christmas time". She looked at me dead serious and said, "well, Santa can bring you a booby but he's bringing me a kitty." I couldn't help but laugh - it felt great to laugh and I realized, I hadn't laughed much that week.

Friday, June 22, surgery day... up until that point, I'd never even had stitches! By the time I came out of surgery, my parents, Heidi, Sherwin, & Susan were all there. I felt pretty good coming out of surgery and we managed to call about 20 people between my sister & I in less than 10 minutes - that's when the nurse caught us using our cell phones and put an end to it :-) I had a number of visitors to the hospital on Friday afternoon & evening. It was great! And, I was feeling pretty good.

Saturday, June 23, I was home with orders to take it easy for 6 weeks - no lifting, no vacuuming (shucks!), no overdoing it at all.

The next few days brought many visitors (from as far away as Ontario) as well as many plants, flowers, gift baskets & meals. My employer provided us with a number of frozen meals and our Church mobilized numerous people to provide us with hot, cooked meals for the first week. I felt overwhelmingly loved and blessed.

My life was changing... so fast, so crazy fast. You know what I realized, though, not once did I think "why me". I credit that, at least in part, to seeing my Aunt handle her breast cancer with grace, steadfast faith & humour. I knew I was in for the ride of my life; what did God have in store for me?

"There's a time for everything..."

2009-03-02T06:15:00.000-08:00

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun" (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Well, after much prodding, I've decided the time is now to start a blog regardless of how incompetent I feel at this moment. But, I guess that's what learning is all about, moving from incompetence to competence, ignorance to enlightenment.

This is a season in my life where I feel like I'm finally, not only seeking, but also, discovering God's will for my life. This time in my life has come about through a progression over the past few years; culminating in many changes for my family & me.

I'll start by telling you a little about myself. I am from a wonderful family: sister, brothers, & loving parents who have been married for almost 39 years (an incredible love story but I'll save that for another post). I have a terrific husband (Sherwin) whom I met in college over 18 years ago - we've been married for 14 1/2 years and have 3 beautiful daughters age 12, 10 & 5. I did well in school but always planned to grow up, get married & stay home with my kids; college & university were just "something you did" when it was easy.

That wasn't how things worked out for me.

After finishing my degree in English with a PR focus, I "fell" into a career in Information Technology (IT) where I rapidly moved into the leadership ranks. Honestly, I never really cared about IT. I cared about people, customer service and did have an ability to understand the IT world. It didn't take long for my passion for people to really take over and helped me gain a reputation for building strong teams. It was instinct and intuition and a little luck at first. However, I took a 1 day team building course through work after a merger we were involved in. It was amazing! It gave me so much. The course helped me understand my strengths and the strengths of others but more than that, it articulated so much of what I "felt" regarding team & leadership. It impacted me so much that I spent my own money to take a 4 day course. I believe this course helped me immensely over the next 6 years as I worked for arguably the best IT company around (Long View Systems).

My career at Long View was rewarding and filled with growth, great people and opportunity. It was also a phenomenally fast-paced and fast-growth company which meant LOTS of work and stress. As part of the management team, I was privileged to work with the most incredibly group of talented and caring people - who were also all over-achievers. We set the bar high and loved to raise the bar. My personality is such that I am so afraid of letting people down so I kept giving all I had. I lived and breathed work but didn't even realize it. My husband & girls were the ones who got the short-end of the stick. They were remarkably patient (which is what I came to expect) but, I didn't even stop long enough most times to realize all I'd missed. Bear in mind, my job never "made" me work like this, it was just what happened. It was a slow-fade.

Anyway, time marched on and I was offered a transfer from Calgary to Edmonton to help get the new branch off the ground. Since Edmonton was so much closer to my family, we opted to take it. Knowing this would mean a lot of work for the first few months for me, Sherwin took a 1/2 time role so that he could be home with the kids to help with the transition. The move was great for us in so many ways: the team in Edmonton was AWESOME, the community we moved to couldn't have been better, my family was close by and Sherwin got to coach again. I, of course, fell into my workaholic, afraid to disappoint, somewhat competitive ways and worked A LOT. So much that I put my marriage at serious risk and felt at a loss as to how to fix it.

And then, about 11 months after we relocated, our world was shaken to the core....

But, that story is for next time. I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.

Until next time, God Bless.